Mistily images from the past have make their appearance in mind's screen.
But the body sees them clearly. It curls up, whithout reason , in a reflecting way. It needs protection from those stranger's hands.
They say that the body remember, more than we can recollect. This body, starts to remember and a cold current runs over it. She wants to escape or push them away but she can't. How a small body can fight against those big hands ?
I guess , those hands where of the doctors trying to heal me, of nurses taking care of me yet , those days those hands bring shivers in my spine.
There is a long periord of my life, that I have not concious memories. There are informations I need to know but they are locked. Seems that the body starts remembering and me too.
Walking is very painful for me nowdays. Painkillers just give me a few hour of less pain, time to gather again myself and keep walking. The less I walk, the less make the strong pain appears, but the less I walk, the less make muscles strong. So I have to keep walking.
This pain , soon, will be replaced from another pain. They say that will be servere aswell, but there is something different in that. It would be, hopefully, a healing pain. SoI have to keep walking.
That day, because of external curmunstances , is not here yet. Waiting drains me. There are moments that I lose my patience, there are moments that seconds last a century , there are moments I tempted to quit. Yet, I won't give up. So I have to keep walking.
They say "Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional" .In my case, the pain I'm talking about is inevitable indeed. I have no choice about it. Yet, I can choose wheather will turn that pain to suffering or not. And I choose to keep walking.
Truman show is one of my favorite movies. Lately it come into my mind. First a scene, the last one, and the next day through a friend . ha ! Truman was living a happy life in an ideal world Seaheaven till the day he felt that something was wrong. When sure , he overcomes his fear of the sea , takes a sailboat to leave, almost die in an artificial storm, the obstracles the Creator put to keep him there, till he reaches the end of the world , the wall of the dome.
“If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him” Cristof said , and it was Truman determination that made him seize the storm.
So, Truman , at the end of the world, finds a ledge and as If walking on water, climbs the stairs leading to a door, the “exit” , as the sign reads. Christof tries to persuade him stay , Truman is silent and then he bows , says goodbye and crosses the door leading to the unknown but real world. He could’t stay there , because this wasn’t his world and he was different , a True -man . "I want to be an explorer, like the Great Magellan" , said Truman, in his school class when a young boy. His teacher respond “Oh, you're too late! There's nothing left to explore!” You are too late, you are too young you are too old ... you are this ... you are that ... you aren’t this , you aren’t that.... a very common script we read to our life’s movies. And just in case we don’t buy it, here come the fears. When we need to cross the great water how can we do that if you fear of water ? And lets say we do it and reach at the top of the flight of stairs. A heavenly-like setting and a door that leads to a dark one. Scary isn’t it ? Sometimes we walk back, sometimes we cross that door and those moments are where we can choose. its our choice and no matter what we do out-there its a relief to know that it was our choice. I remember , when watching that movie , said to Truman. “Good luck, take care” I can relate to him now-days, being in front of that door. And some times fear overwhelms me and hear the tape of “you are too old, you are too young....” Yet, there are times that going along with script some-others wrote for us is not what we want. “Are you running away ?” some people asked me . “NO” i said, “I'm going home” I walking those stairs now, and when I’ll reach that door I’ld like to be a sunny morning and the sky will be heavenly blue, i’ll bow and say "In case I don't see you ... good afternoon, good evening, and good night, Take care Truman, good luck and wish me luck too. I’m on my way