memory

Him : Are you Happy

Her : Yeah !!

Him : Me too !

this is not from the movie of course but its a recent memory of mine.

Joel, at "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", at that scene says to Clementine :

“I could die right now, Clem. I’m just happy. I’ve never felt like that before. I’m just exactly where I want to be.”

I’m just exactly where I want to be.” ......what a bliss !!! ........No ?

Time moves on , things change, yet there is that memory of a moment being where you really want.

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pain Killer

when painkillers don't work

I become a pain Killer

almost succeeds

yet heart still aches

the door

Truman show is one of my favorite movies. Lately it come into my mind. First a scene, the last one, and the next day through a friend . ha !

Truman was living a happy life in an ideal world Seaheaven till the day he felt that something was wrong. When sure , he overcomes his fear of the sea , takes a sailboat to leave, almost die in an artificial storm, the obstracles the Creator put to keep him there, till he reaches the end of the world , the wall of the dome.

“If his was more than just a vague ambition, if he was absolutely determined to discover the truth, there's no way we could prevent him” Cristof said , and it was Truman determination that made him seize the storm.

So, Truman , at the end of the world, finds a ledge and as If walking on water, climbs the stairs leading to a door, the “exit” , as the sign reads. Christof tries to persuade him stay , Truman is silent and then he bows , says goodbye and crosses the door leading to the unknown but real world. He could’t stay there , because this wasn’t his world and he was different , a True -man .

"I want to be an explorer, like the Great Magellan" , said Truman, in his school class when a young boy. His teacher respond “Oh, you're too late! There's nothing left to explore!”

You are too late, you are too young you are too old ... you are this ... you are that ... you aren’t this , you aren’t that.... a very common script we read to our life’s movies. And just in case we don’t buy it, here come the fears. When we need to cross the great water how can we do that if you fear of water ? And lets say we do it and reach at the top of the flight of stairs. A heavenly-like setting and a door that leads to a dark one. Scary isn’t it ? Sometimes we walk back, sometimes we cross that door and those moments are where we can choose. its our choice and no matter what we do out-there its a relief to know that it was our choice.

I remember , when watching that movie , said to Truman. “Good luck, take care”

I can relate to him now-days, being in front of that door. And some times fear overwhelms me and hear the tape of “you are too old, you are too young....” Yet, there are times that going along with script some-others wrote for us is not what we want.

“Are you running away ?” some people asked me . “NO” i said, “I'm going home”
I walking those stairs now, and when I’ll reach that door I’ld like to be a sunny morning and the sky will be heavenly blue, i’ll bow and say "In case I don't see you ... good afternoon, good evening, and good night,

Take care Truman, good luck and wish me luck too. I’m on my way

return of colors

Colors escaped the prison’s wall

and returning

to the black and white photo

White clouds dancing in the sky

and from the green grass

red puppies will blossom

in a while...

see, I told you !

those black clouds

hold colors inside

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see

Naked she was standing in front of his eyes

Eyes that penetrate every inch of her body
Eyes that could see under her skin.

She didn’t felt like covering her nudity

Among the sword eyes , his are like sunbeams.
Warm sunbeam caressing her being.

No.

She didn’t want to hide her body

Just laid on the sand
surrendered to the sun’s warmth

No.

She

didn’t hide her tears either.

A river of sadness and joy

Singing a simple song :

You see , you see

YOU see ME.

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chalk marks

image by horse and moon

Another bad dream

was written on the chalkboard

With closed eyes

grabbing the sponge

to wipe off any memory.

.

The chalk marks are now just dust

.

...... apart those eyes

full of tears.

.

.

Whose eyes are they?

Why they are crying?

What pain they unleash?

.

.

answers and chalk prints are now pure dust

.

...... apart those eyes

.

full of tears.

.

.

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reasons

The space between us

memories

of past and future

but..

what about now ?

.

.------------------------------------------------

auntie nuts

Well, yes, I have to admit that I'm an auntie, nuts about her nieces !!

What you see in the photo is the present they got for me while in vacations. They choose it for me. I can't describe how it felt. We have a beautiful relationship and I love them immensely and makes me melt the way they express their love.

It would be nice , we the grown ups, express and accept love like children do.

Yes ?

win ?

Some times

we stay

To fight and win

Some others

we win

when we leave

.

some times

we give up

some others

we move on

.

at the end of the day

we will know...

.......................

try not

Luke : All right, I'll give it a try.

Yoda : No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

I tried.

It didn’t work

So

I did it.

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Tao

Originally uploaded by david_rombaut

Recently I acquired my first Tao the ching book. Actually got two, the other one a gift from a friend. I’m saving it for my vacation .

What is Tao ? I don’t know. After all ..

The tao that can be described is not the eternal Tao.

And those are the few words I have read about it. But I have an image in my mind. I see myself in a desert. I look behind and I see my footprints on the sand and I day “oh, that was the Tao then” and then I look front. There is nothing. no steps , no path, Just the unwalked sand, like a blank canvas waiting for the brushes to leave their traces.

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courage

Someone played some music today. I really love his music. It makes me travel. I see images. No, no !!! I don’t see images, I become a part of what I see. Its like riding the notes and let them take me wherever they want. Or better, where I need to go.

Today, something was different. Nothing wrong with the music. I liked the sound , I liked it a lot. But still was something strange. It felt like I was riding the note for a while and then leave it. Again and again. Ride on – ride off. It was a struggle. I couldn’t relax. A restless feeling.

I draw a Zen tarot card of Osho’s . A friend of mine has talked about him sometime ago.

Card no 8 : Courage.

The card reads

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many.

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 4

Commentary:
This card shows a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks and stones in its path to emerge into the light of day. Surrounded by an aura of bright golden light, it exposes the majesty of its tiny self. Unashamed, it is equal to the brightest sun.

When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow.

The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

It describes in an amazing accuracy , what is going on into my mind and in my life. A challenge I have to face and a decision I made. To give that fight.

That was where that music travelled me. Not out there but inside. In the place where the seed of the decision tries to become a flower.

Courage, the card’s title. Courage, The word I needed to hear.

"No images this time, no Journey", I told to my musician friend. I was wrong. There was a image of the seed, but didn’t dare to see it because I was missing something. A word. Courage. And I got it.

Its nice when a sign appears and says “you are not alone to this “ , isn’t it ?

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wishes

On you birthday
You are not here

Your cycle in this planet
has ended

but I’m sending you a wish
“be well”

There.



.....

curtains

photo credit

Some time ago, a friend wrote to me : "I often have felt like your blog is like a window with a light curtain in front of it, opened just a sliver, so that we can see a bit through, but not enough to get the full picture, if that makes sense."

It’s a friend that I met here, in blogosphere, a very beautiful soul, Karin. She has the ability to see through the curtain and without knowing much, she always says what I need to hear. Even without talking with her, many times her arts talks about something concerns me at the current moment. A nice coincidence .

So , yes, my blog and I have this light curtain. Those knew me , say how a strong person I am. And I am strong. But there is a weak part inside me, the one that is afraid, that pains, that needs to cry , that needs a big hug. And with this part of mine I find it hard to make peace to accept her, to show compassion.

Not a long ago I had a strange experience. I had one of those severe back pains , because of a problem I have in my hip. I took medicines but the pain was there. Almost my whole body was in pain and especially my leg, the one with the injured joint. I was so in pain that I really need to cry… but no, I had to be strong. Suddenly, I felt that my whole body had disappeared, it didn’t exit, and only that leg in pain was what I was. Severe pain. I was sitting on my couch and screamed silently. Then, I felt I was in another place too. I was !!! Really. I was in a hospital’s room, in a bed, very young and my leg was in pain too. I always remembered that rom. A nice room, with a big window and me in the bed. What I can’t remember was how much difficult it was. I have hide those memories because… as everyone says “I’m strong!!!”

This incident lasts for a couple of seconds. I was here, now in my home and I was there, in that hospital room. Two different moments in a time line, two or one person and one pain.

I talked to some people about it. Some couldn’t understand it and asked a lots of question. But there where some that they did understood and said not much. A couple of words and one of them was compassion.

If I’ld had to describe that incident with one word , that could be “compassion” . I don’t know if this words meaning is used as we use it in my language, Greek, but the Greek word is symponia .( feelings the same pain) and we/I literally felt the same pain.

I still haven’t manage to show some compassion to my weak part but for few seconds I could do that, I could fell her/my pain and just say “so , this is how it was ?”

Today I have one of those pains again. One of those days I have to do that surgery. There are many reasons that I don’t . Needs money I can’t afford now, need a big break from work that its not really easy to leave, but what is really a reason I don’t is that for some months someone has to take care of me. And this is something I can’t accept easily , because I was programmed to be strong and take care of myself and if I do that surgery I have to be in the other side and at the moments I can’t cope with the heavy feelings of burdened others.
I knew someone that he had peace with his “weak” side. Its was shocking for me to hear him talking about it. At the beginning it made me mad and it took me a while why I was so frustrated hearing him. It was because I couldn’t do the same. I told him, and I heard a smile. I was by him during the last moments of his life in this planet. He was brave and had his weak time to but even then, he was brave. After he left, I thought that if I could choose a way to die, I wanted to be like he did. But some incidents made me think that if I could choose the way I’ld live that would be like he show me.

We can’t choose when, or how we will die, but we can choose how to live. We can’t have control about everything but we have a choice. We can’t serve two masters but we have to choose the one. And its our choice after all.

The curtain becomes and bit more transparent for those know me, and for me too. What makes me glad , is that there are people in my life that show compassion in frond of that curtain. They teach me to have compassion for my self too. Today they told me “you are strong” not the way usually I’ve been told by some others. I was just strong to acknowledge how difficult is to accept my weak side, and my need to make peace.

One of those days, I’ll be strong enough to ask a big hug and let myself cry, like I cried that night. The night I had to say good bye to him. The night I was given a present . The night that when I asked Yijing to explain me what happened I got

Line 14.3 A prince offers it to the son of Heaven.
A petty man cannot do this.
~ Wilhelm

This is the present, our choice to be the prince or the petty man ?

The curtain become and bit more transparent …

scorpio beast

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” to tease me. It was when I didn’t want to talk about some not very pleasant things going on. He could hear my silence, and he always had a way to make me start talking.

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss that, I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his laughter.

Its pretty confusing, because I miss him but at the same time “miss” feel not the right words because I feel him around. I talk to him, he talks to me, but I miss our talks.

Talking with him was very easy. I’m a very shy person and I don’t open easily but with him it was so easy. From the first few moments we talked, felt like we knew each other many lives. We talked about everything, going from subject to subject following funny associations. Sometimes after chatting for a while we were asking each other “how did we get to discuss this ?” and we walking backwards to find the starting point. “if someone overheard our chat he would say we are crazy’ we used to say and laugh. I loved those talks.
There was and some moments of silence. Rare, I have to admit, but there was a special silence. Not because we didn’t have something to say, but more like a pause we needed to enjoy that beautiful exchange. Special silence. I loved them too.

I miss our talks and I miss our silent moment and I miss him immensely. I miss that space, were I could Be, without been judge of being as I was.

Into my mind, I hear him calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss his laughter, I miss his voice, I miss him.
Immensely...


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