Jun 22, 2010


On you birthday
You are not here

Your cycle in this planet
has ended

but I’m sending you a wish
“be well”



Jun 15, 2010


photo credit

Some time ago, a friend wrote to me : "I often have felt like your blog is like a window with a light curtain in front of it, opened just a sliver, so that we can see a bit through, but not enough to get the full picture, if that makes sense."

It’s a friend that I met here, in blogosphere, a very beautiful soul, Karin. She has the ability to see through the curtain and without knowing much, she always says what I need to hear. Even without talking with her, many times her arts talks about something concerns me at the current moment. A nice coincidence .

So , yes, my blog and I have this light curtain. Those knew me , say how a strong person I am. And I am strong. But there is a weak part inside me, the one that is afraid, that pains, that needs to cry , that needs a big hug. And with this part of mine I find it hard to make peace to accept her, to show compassion.

Not a long ago I had a strange experience. I had one of those severe back pains , because of a problem I have in my hip. I took medicines but the pain was there. Almost my whole body was in pain and especially my leg, the one with the injured joint. I was so in pain that I really need to cry… but no, I had to be strong. Suddenly, I felt that my whole body had disappeared, it didn’t exit, and only that leg in pain was what I was. Severe pain. I was sitting on my couch and screamed silently. Then, I felt I was in another place too. I was !!! Really. I was in a hospital’s room, in a bed, very young and my leg was in pain too. I always remembered that rom. A nice room, with a big window and me in the bed. What I can’t remember was how much difficult it was. I have hide those memories because… as everyone says “I’m strong!!!”

This incident lasts for a couple of seconds. I was here, now in my home and I was there, in that hospital room. Two different moments in a time line, two or one person and one pain.

I talked to some people about it. Some couldn’t understand it and asked a lots of question. But there where some that they did understood and said not much. A couple of words and one of them was compassion.

If I’ld had to describe that incident with one word , that could be “compassion” . I don’t know if this words meaning is used as we use it in my language, Greek, but the Greek word is symponia .( feelings the same pain) and we/I literally felt the same pain.

I still haven’t manage to show some compassion to my weak part but for few seconds I could do that, I could fell her/my pain and just say “so , this is how it was ?”

Today I have one of those pains again. One of those days I have to do that surgery. There are many reasons that I don’t . Needs money I can’t afford now, need a big break from work that its not really easy to leave, but what is really a reason I don’t is that for some months someone has to take care of me. And this is something I can’t accept easily , because I was programmed to be strong and take care of myself and if I do that surgery I have to be in the other side and at the moments I can’t cope with the heavy feelings of burdened others.
I knew someone that he had peace with his “weak” side. Its was shocking for me to hear him talking about it. At the beginning it made me mad and it took me a while why I was so frustrated hearing him. It was because I couldn’t do the same. I told him, and I heard a smile. I was by him during the last moments of his life in this planet. He was brave and had his weak time to but even then, he was brave. After he left, I thought that if I could choose a way to die, I wanted to be like he did. But some incidents made me think that if I could choose the way I’ld live that would be like he show me.

We can’t choose when, or how we will die, but we can choose how to live. We can’t have control about everything but we have a choice. We can’t serve two masters but we have to choose the one. And its our choice after all.

The curtain becomes and bit more transparent for those know me, and for me too. What makes me glad , is that there are people in my life that show compassion in frond of that curtain. They teach me to have compassion for my self too. Today they told me “you are strong” not the way usually I’ve been told by some others. I was just strong to acknowledge how difficult is to accept my weak side, and my need to make peace.

One of those days, I’ll be strong enough to ask a big hug and let myself cry, like I cried that night. The night I had to say good bye to him. The night I was given a present . The night that when I asked Yijing to explain me what happened I got

Line 14.3 A prince offers it to the son of Heaven.
A petty man cannot do this.
~ Wilhelm

This is the present, our choice to be the prince or the petty man ?

The curtain become and bit more transparent …

Jun 2, 2010

scorpio beast

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” to tease me. It was when I didn’t want to talk about some not very pleasant things going on. He could hear my silence, and he always had a way to make me start talking.

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss that, I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his laughter.

Its pretty confusing, because I miss him but at the same time “miss” feel not the right words because I feel him around. I talk to him, he talks to me, but I miss our talks.

Talking with him was very easy. I’m a very shy person and I don’t open easily but with him it was so easy. From the first few moments we talked, felt like we knew each other many lives. We talked about everything, going from subject to subject following funny associations. Sometimes after chatting for a while we were asking each other “how did we get to discuss this ?” and we walking backwards to find the starting point. “if someone overheard our chat he would say we are crazy’ we used to say and laugh. I loved those talks.
There was and some moments of silence. Rare, I have to admit, but there was a special silence. Not because we didn’t have something to say, but more like a pause we needed to enjoy that beautiful exchange. Special silence. I loved them too.

I miss our talks and I miss our silent moment and I miss him immensely. I miss that space, were I could Be, without been judge of being as I was.

Into my mind, I hear him calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss his laughter, I miss his voice, I miss him.


Jun 1, 2010


I’m coming and going
Two steps front, one step back.

Though would be easier but it isn’t
Why ?
Don’t know.

I do some, ummm, art (?) lately. Well, art in a broader sense , lol.
I’m coming and going there too.

This is what I’m now

I should blog more often.
There are so many things I want to say but words are sealed.

But I least , here, I come and go
without having to explain much.