Two Sundays ago, a sunny day outside and fresh coffee in my mug, the perfect Sunday morning. And me, feeling a bit strong after a long time. Though to take care my home which I had neglected lately. Time to save some time and energy for yourself, told to my happy side. Time and energy for ourselves, hard to change it when you are used to something else. But that Sunday morning I felt that I could do it.
Till the phone rang.
I don’t spend much time to my home nowadays. That phone call said that I have to spend many hours in a hospital by my mom who had an accident, and then to her house, since she has not someone else to take care of her. A call that I couldn’t say no.
I was very angry at the beginning. Angry not with my mom, but for the timing of that accident. That same day, I felt strong to fight for my time and my space, a call that asks to put myself aside because someone else needs your help. “Why now, why now” I kept asking, but no answer.
I suspect I know why. Olds issues locked and sealed in my mind’s safety box make noises. Painkillers reduce my back’s and knees’ pain and help me move and sleep. Not much improvement, but even that little relief is welcome. It’s not the right time to complain, once again. Time to be strong, once again.
Painkillers for the pain but nothing yet for those noises.
At least, I maybe have an answer for my “why now ?” question
I shouldn’t complain, Should I ?
.
.
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hmmmm, maybe the question isn't about should or shouldn't, but finding a way to accept - not only the aches and pains, but all the emotions that come with the aches and pains, the timing of them, and the right to have those emotions. For me, the acceptance of knowing I have the right to my feelings frees me up to having a fuller range - to see beauty even in the midst of suffering.
ReplyDeleteObviously I can't know all that you are experiencing though, having never had to be the care taker to my mother, and knowing that I will never under any circumstance be the care taker of my mother. I am sorry for the difficulties you and she must be going through now, and I sense there is a part of you that recognizes the potential for another level of healing awaiting this leg of your journey, when you state "I suspect I know why". May the doors and windows open to fresh air and light, so that the noises can be heard for what they are, and understood with new clarity - perhaps some relief will be found in a new way. much peace to you, Karin
Thank you for you warm words Karin . :)
ReplyDeleteYes, the question is not about complaining or not but to acknowledge the right to have those feelings.
And yes, there is a potential of another healing which is welcome , even it has to done in the midst of difficult times.
There are things I want to complain about but there are also great opportunities.
C'est la vie.
:)
Feelings are always good. It's all in the way you use those feelings. I take care of my parents and have feelings of anger at family members that fly like vultures around my 80 year old parents.
ReplyDeleteFamily members that steal and will try to steal in the future. I hold my anger and try to do right by my parents. I try to turn my anger into pity for those I once called aunt and uncle.
Focus on those great opportunities:)
thanks Robert for your words
ReplyDeleteI try not to keep my anger. Expressing it helps me to found out what lays beneath it. (most of the times, lol)