reasons

The space between us

memories

of past and future

but..

what about now ?

.

.------------------------------------------------

auntie nuts

Well, yes, I have to admit that I'm an auntie, nuts about her nieces !!

What you see in the photo is the present they got for me while in vacations. They choose it for me. I can't describe how it felt. We have a beautiful relationship and I love them immensely and makes me melt the way they express their love.

It would be nice , we the grown ups, express and accept love like children do.

Yes ?

win ?

Some times

we stay

To fight and win

Some others

we win

when we leave

.

some times

we give up

some others

we move on

.

at the end of the day

we will know...

.......................

try not

Luke : All right, I'll give it a try.

Yoda : No. Try not. Do... or do not. There is no try.

I tried.

It didn’t work

So

I did it.

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Tao

Originally uploaded by david_rombaut

Recently I acquired my first Tao the ching book. Actually got two, the other one a gift from a friend. I’m saving it for my vacation .

What is Tao ? I don’t know. After all ..

The tao that can be described is not the eternal Tao.

And those are the few words I have read about it. But I have an image in my mind. I see myself in a desert. I look behind and I see my footprints on the sand and I day “oh, that was the Tao then” and then I look front. There is nothing. no steps , no path, Just the unwalked sand, like a blank canvas waiting for the brushes to leave their traces.

.....................................................................................

courage

Someone played some music today. I really love his music. It makes me travel. I see images. No, no !!! I don’t see images, I become a part of what I see. Its like riding the notes and let them take me wherever they want. Or better, where I need to go.

Today, something was different. Nothing wrong with the music. I liked the sound , I liked it a lot. But still was something strange. It felt like I was riding the note for a while and then leave it. Again and again. Ride on – ride off. It was a struggle. I couldn’t relax. A restless feeling.

I draw a Zen tarot card of Osho’s . A friend of mine has talked about him sometime ago.

Card no 8 : Courage.

The card reads

The seed cannot know what is going to happen, the seed has never known the flower. And the seed cannot even believe that he has the potentiality to become a beautiful flower. Long is the journey, and it is always safer not to go on that journey because unknown is the path, nothing is guaranteed.

Nothing can be guaranteed. Thousand and one are the hazards of the journey, many are the pitfalls - and the seed is secure, hidden inside a hard core. But the seed tries, it makes an effort; it drops the hard shell which is its security, it starts moving. Immediately the fight starts: the struggle with the soil, with the stones, with the rocks. And the seed was very hard and the sprout will be very, very soft and dangers will be many.

There was no danger for the seed, the seed could have survived for millennia, but for the sprout many are the dangers. But the sprout starts towards the unknown, towards the sun, towards the source of light, not knowing where, not knowing why. Great is the cross to be carried, but a dream possesses the seed and the seed moves.

The same is the path for man. It is arduous. Much courage will be needed.

Osho Dang Dang Doko Dang Chapter 4

Commentary:
This card shows a small wildflower that has met the challenge of the rocks and stones in its path to emerge into the light of day. Surrounded by an aura of bright golden light, it exposes the majesty of its tiny self. Unashamed, it is equal to the brightest sun.

When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find somebody or something to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow.

The flower shows us the way, as its passion for life leads it out of the darkness and into the light. There is no point fighting against the challenges of life, or trying to avoid or deny them. They are there, and if the seed is to become the flower we must go through them. Be courageous enough to grow into the flower you are meant to be.

It describes in an amazing accuracy , what is going on into my mind and in my life. A challenge I have to face and a decision I made. To give that fight.

That was where that music travelled me. Not out there but inside. In the place where the seed of the decision tries to become a flower.

Courage, the card’s title. Courage, The word I needed to hear.

"No images this time, no Journey", I told to my musician friend. I was wrong. There was a image of the seed, but didn’t dare to see it because I was missing something. A word. Courage. And I got it.

Its nice when a sign appears and says “you are not alone to this “ , isn’t it ?

...................................................................................

wishes

On you birthday
You are not here

Your cycle in this planet
has ended

but I’m sending you a wish
“be well”

There.



.....

curtains

photo credit

Some time ago, a friend wrote to me : "I often have felt like your blog is like a window with a light curtain in front of it, opened just a sliver, so that we can see a bit through, but not enough to get the full picture, if that makes sense."

It’s a friend that I met here, in blogosphere, a very beautiful soul, Karin. She has the ability to see through the curtain and without knowing much, she always says what I need to hear. Even without talking with her, many times her arts talks about something concerns me at the current moment. A nice coincidence .

So , yes, my blog and I have this light curtain. Those knew me , say how a strong person I am. And I am strong. But there is a weak part inside me, the one that is afraid, that pains, that needs to cry , that needs a big hug. And with this part of mine I find it hard to make peace to accept her, to show compassion.

Not a long ago I had a strange experience. I had one of those severe back pains , because of a problem I have in my hip. I took medicines but the pain was there. Almost my whole body was in pain and especially my leg, the one with the injured joint. I was so in pain that I really need to cry… but no, I had to be strong. Suddenly, I felt that my whole body had disappeared, it didn’t exit, and only that leg in pain was what I was. Severe pain. I was sitting on my couch and screamed silently. Then, I felt I was in another place too. I was !!! Really. I was in a hospital’s room, in a bed, very young and my leg was in pain too. I always remembered that rom. A nice room, with a big window and me in the bed. What I can’t remember was how much difficult it was. I have hide those memories because… as everyone says “I’m strong!!!”

This incident lasts for a couple of seconds. I was here, now in my home and I was there, in that hospital room. Two different moments in a time line, two or one person and one pain.

I talked to some people about it. Some couldn’t understand it and asked a lots of question. But there where some that they did understood and said not much. A couple of words and one of them was compassion.

If I’ld had to describe that incident with one word , that could be “compassion” . I don’t know if this words meaning is used as we use it in my language, Greek, but the Greek word is symponia .( feelings the same pain) and we/I literally felt the same pain.

I still haven’t manage to show some compassion to my weak part but for few seconds I could do that, I could fell her/my pain and just say “so , this is how it was ?”

Today I have one of those pains again. One of those days I have to do that surgery. There are many reasons that I don’t . Needs money I can’t afford now, need a big break from work that its not really easy to leave, but what is really a reason I don’t is that for some months someone has to take care of me. And this is something I can’t accept easily , because I was programmed to be strong and take care of myself and if I do that surgery I have to be in the other side and at the moments I can’t cope with the heavy feelings of burdened others.
I knew someone that he had peace with his “weak” side. Its was shocking for me to hear him talking about it. At the beginning it made me mad and it took me a while why I was so frustrated hearing him. It was because I couldn’t do the same. I told him, and I heard a smile. I was by him during the last moments of his life in this planet. He was brave and had his weak time to but even then, he was brave. After he left, I thought that if I could choose a way to die, I wanted to be like he did. But some incidents made me think that if I could choose the way I’ld live that would be like he show me.

We can’t choose when, or how we will die, but we can choose how to live. We can’t have control about everything but we have a choice. We can’t serve two masters but we have to choose the one. And its our choice after all.

The curtain becomes and bit more transparent for those know me, and for me too. What makes me glad , is that there are people in my life that show compassion in frond of that curtain. They teach me to have compassion for my self too. Today they told me “you are strong” not the way usually I’ve been told by some others. I was just strong to acknowledge how difficult is to accept my weak side, and my need to make peace.

One of those days, I’ll be strong enough to ask a big hug and let myself cry, like I cried that night. The night I had to say good bye to him. The night I was given a present . The night that when I asked Yijing to explain me what happened I got

Line 14.3 A prince offers it to the son of Heaven.
A petty man cannot do this.
~ Wilhelm

This is the present, our choice to be the prince or the petty man ?

The curtain become and bit more transparent …

scorpio beast

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” to tease me. It was when I didn’t want to talk about some not very pleasant things going on. He could hear my silence, and he always had a way to make me start talking.

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss that, I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his laughter.

Its pretty confusing, because I miss him but at the same time “miss” feel not the right words because I feel him around. I talk to him, he talks to me, but I miss our talks.

Talking with him was very easy. I’m a very shy person and I don’t open easily but with him it was so easy. From the first few moments we talked, felt like we knew each other many lives. We talked about everything, going from subject to subject following funny associations. Sometimes after chatting for a while we were asking each other “how did we get to discuss this ?” and we walking backwards to find the starting point. “if someone overheard our chat he would say we are crazy’ we used to say and laugh. I loved those talks.
There was and some moments of silence. Rare, I have to admit, but there was a special silence. Not because we didn’t have something to say, but more like a pause we needed to enjoy that beautiful exchange. Special silence. I loved them too.

I miss our talks and I miss our silent moment and I miss him immensely. I miss that space, were I could Be, without been judge of being as I was.

Into my mind, I hear him calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss his laughter, I miss his voice, I miss him.
Immensely...


..........................

returning

I’m coming and going
Two steps front, one step back.

Though would be easier but it isn’t
Why ?
Don’t know.

I do some, ummm, art (?) lately. Well, art in a broader sense , lol.
I’m coming and going there too.

Restless
This is what I’m now
Restless

I should blog more often.

There are so many things I want to say but words are sealed.

But I least , here, I come and go

without having to explain much.

........................................................

ephemeral and eternal

Hexagram 54

getting to the core

Keeping the fire safe

at last with less resistance

This drawing has a very long story. Once I googled the words "following without resistance " and I reached to a Tango site. Since then I have connected Tango with 17. Perhaps also because 4 of my friend are taking dancing lessons and my best friend loves tango. So I though to paint it. But didn’t work. I quit. After some time I had that idea to start it again and offer it as a present to those friends. Didn’t work again. It was Jaliya’s post that make me start it again and some things are on at the I Ching site. The original painting was so ugly from all those changes that it was impossible to fix it. So someone told me about a program. I scanned it this morning and it took me 1 ½ hours to do what I could do for so many months. I like it .

Difficulty at the Beginning

photo of Bert Dalmolen http://www.bertdalmolen.com/

Bert published that photo at a forum I'm too. Its an I Ching forum and he presented a collection of his photos under the title of Hex 24. Return.
While I was out many things have happened. Perhaps I’ll talk about them in the future. Lately little things that are also important worked for my return. One of them was an e-mail I received from Karin. Haven’t answered it yet, but I think she won’t take me wrong. ( thanks Karin, will write back soon :)
Looking at this photo I also saw another hexagram. Hex 3 , Difficulty at the Beginning and the first thought came into my mind was “ its time to return” and that photo looks like a beginning.

W/B translation of Yijing reads.

TIMES OF GROWTH are beset with difficulties. They resemble a first birth. But these difficulties arise from the very profusion of all that's struggling to attain form. Everything is in motion: therefore if one perseveres there's a prospect of great success, in spite of the existing danger. When it's a man's fate to undertake such new beginnings, everything is still unformed, dark. Hence he must hold back, because any premature move might bring disaster. Likewise, it's very important not to remain alone; in order to overcome the chaos he needs helpers. This isn't to say, however, that he himself should look on passively at what's happening. He must lend his hand and participate with inspiration and guidance.

The difficulties of returning. I have lost my Horse for a while and Yi reminded that to me and a post I read at Jaliya's blog the Quoteable I ching with the title "I'm a terrible follower" not only made me smile but made me go back to the pile of Unfinished drawings and work on one of them.

I know, I know.... too many thoughs mixed up in a small text, which btw the best titles could be

"the difficulties of returning and following that horse without resistance "

yes ?