wishes

On you birthday
You are not here

Your cycle in this planet
has ended

but I’m sending you a wish
“be well”

There.



.....

curtains

photo credit

Some time ago, a friend wrote to me : "I often have felt like your blog is like a window with a light curtain in front of it, opened just a sliver, so that we can see a bit through, but not enough to get the full picture, if that makes sense."

It’s a friend that I met here, in blogosphere, a very beautiful soul, Karin. She has the ability to see through the curtain and without knowing much, she always says what I need to hear. Even without talking with her, many times her arts talks about something concerns me at the current moment. A nice coincidence .

So , yes, my blog and I have this light curtain. Those knew me , say how a strong person I am. And I am strong. But there is a weak part inside me, the one that is afraid, that pains, that needs to cry , that needs a big hug. And with this part of mine I find it hard to make peace to accept her, to show compassion.

Not a long ago I had a strange experience. I had one of those severe back pains , because of a problem I have in my hip. I took medicines but the pain was there. Almost my whole body was in pain and especially my leg, the one with the injured joint. I was so in pain that I really need to cry… but no, I had to be strong. Suddenly, I felt that my whole body had disappeared, it didn’t exit, and only that leg in pain was what I was. Severe pain. I was sitting on my couch and screamed silently. Then, I felt I was in another place too. I was !!! Really. I was in a hospital’s room, in a bed, very young and my leg was in pain too. I always remembered that rom. A nice room, with a big window and me in the bed. What I can’t remember was how much difficult it was. I have hide those memories because… as everyone says “I’m strong!!!”

This incident lasts for a couple of seconds. I was here, now in my home and I was there, in that hospital room. Two different moments in a time line, two or one person and one pain.

I talked to some people about it. Some couldn’t understand it and asked a lots of question. But there where some that they did understood and said not much. A couple of words and one of them was compassion.

If I’ld had to describe that incident with one word , that could be “compassion” . I don’t know if this words meaning is used as we use it in my language, Greek, but the Greek word is symponia .( feelings the same pain) and we/I literally felt the same pain.

I still haven’t manage to show some compassion to my weak part but for few seconds I could do that, I could fell her/my pain and just say “so , this is how it was ?”

Today I have one of those pains again. One of those days I have to do that surgery. There are many reasons that I don’t . Needs money I can’t afford now, need a big break from work that its not really easy to leave, but what is really a reason I don’t is that for some months someone has to take care of me. And this is something I can’t accept easily , because I was programmed to be strong and take care of myself and if I do that surgery I have to be in the other side and at the moments I can’t cope with the heavy feelings of burdened others.
I knew someone that he had peace with his “weak” side. Its was shocking for me to hear him talking about it. At the beginning it made me mad and it took me a while why I was so frustrated hearing him. It was because I couldn’t do the same. I told him, and I heard a smile. I was by him during the last moments of his life in this planet. He was brave and had his weak time to but even then, he was brave. After he left, I thought that if I could choose a way to die, I wanted to be like he did. But some incidents made me think that if I could choose the way I’ld live that would be like he show me.

We can’t choose when, or how we will die, but we can choose how to live. We can’t have control about everything but we have a choice. We can’t serve two masters but we have to choose the one. And its our choice after all.

The curtain becomes and bit more transparent for those know me, and for me too. What makes me glad , is that there are people in my life that show compassion in frond of that curtain. They teach me to have compassion for my self too. Today they told me “you are strong” not the way usually I’ve been told by some others. I was just strong to acknowledge how difficult is to accept my weak side, and my need to make peace.

One of those days, I’ll be strong enough to ask a big hug and let myself cry, like I cried that night. The night I had to say good bye to him. The night I was given a present . The night that when I asked Yijing to explain me what happened I got

Line 14.3 A prince offers it to the son of Heaven.
A petty man cannot do this.
~ Wilhelm

This is the present, our choice to be the prince or the petty man ?

The curtain become and bit more transparent …

scorpio beast

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” to tease me. It was when I didn’t want to talk about some not very pleasant things going on. He could hear my silence, and he always had a way to make me start talking.

I hear his voice calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss that, I miss him, I miss his voice, I miss his laughter.

Its pretty confusing, because I miss him but at the same time “miss” feel not the right words because I feel him around. I talk to him, he talks to me, but I miss our talks.

Talking with him was very easy. I’m a very shy person and I don’t open easily but with him it was so easy. From the first few moments we talked, felt like we knew each other many lives. We talked about everything, going from subject to subject following funny associations. Sometimes after chatting for a while we were asking each other “how did we get to discuss this ?” and we walking backwards to find the starting point. “if someone overheard our chat he would say we are crazy’ we used to say and laugh. I loved those talks.
There was and some moments of silence. Rare, I have to admit, but there was a special silence. Not because we didn’t have something to say, but more like a pause we needed to enjoy that beautiful exchange. Special silence. I loved them too.

I miss our talks and I miss our silent moment and I miss him immensely. I miss that space, were I could Be, without been judge of being as I was.

Into my mind, I hear him calling me “Scorpio beast” and I’m smiling. I miss his laughter, I miss his voice, I miss him.
Immensely...


..........................

returning

I’m coming and going
Two steps front, one step back.

Though would be easier but it isn’t
Why ?
Don’t know.

I do some, ummm, art (?) lately. Well, art in a broader sense , lol.
I’m coming and going there too.

Restless
This is what I’m now
Restless

I should blog more often.

There are so many things I want to say but words are sealed.

But I least , here, I come and go

without having to explain much.

........................................................

ephemeral and eternal

Hexagram 54

getting to the core

Keeping the fire safe

at last with less resistance

This drawing has a very long story. Once I googled the words "following without resistance " and I reached to a Tango site. Since then I have connected Tango with 17. Perhaps also because 4 of my friend are taking dancing lessons and my best friend loves tango. So I though to paint it. But didn’t work. I quit. After some time I had that idea to start it again and offer it as a present to those friends. Didn’t work again. It was Jaliya’s post that make me start it again and some things are on at the I Ching site. The original painting was so ugly from all those changes that it was impossible to fix it. So someone told me about a program. I scanned it this morning and it took me 1 ½ hours to do what I could do for so many months. I like it .

Difficulty at the Beginning

photo of Bert Dalmolen http://www.bertdalmolen.com/

Bert published that photo at a forum I'm too. Its an I Ching forum and he presented a collection of his photos under the title of Hex 24. Return.
While I was out many things have happened. Perhaps I’ll talk about them in the future. Lately little things that are also important worked for my return. One of them was an e-mail I received from Karin. Haven’t answered it yet, but I think she won’t take me wrong. ( thanks Karin, will write back soon :)
Looking at this photo I also saw another hexagram. Hex 3 , Difficulty at the Beginning and the first thought came into my mind was “ its time to return” and that photo looks like a beginning.

W/B translation of Yijing reads.

TIMES OF GROWTH are beset with difficulties. They resemble a first birth. But these difficulties arise from the very profusion of all that's struggling to attain form. Everything is in motion: therefore if one perseveres there's a prospect of great success, in spite of the existing danger. When it's a man's fate to undertake such new beginnings, everything is still unformed, dark. Hence he must hold back, because any premature move might bring disaster. Likewise, it's very important not to remain alone; in order to overcome the chaos he needs helpers. This isn't to say, however, that he himself should look on passively at what's happening. He must lend his hand and participate with inspiration and guidance.

The difficulties of returning. I have lost my Horse for a while and Yi reminded that to me and a post I read at Jaliya's blog the Quoteable I ching with the title "I'm a terrible follower" not only made me smile but made me go back to the pile of Unfinished drawings and work on one of them.

I know, I know.... too many thoughs mixed up in a small text, which btw the best titles could be

"the difficulties of returning and following that horse without resistance "

yes ?

argh

.

.

.

Arrrggghhh !!!

.

.

.

***************************

heart's paths

I was looking for something else, a lost text file and I found this. Funny because this is the question that keep hearing in my mind.

Anything is one of a million paths. Therefore you must always keep in mind that a path is only a path; if you feel you should not follow it, you must not stay with it under any conditions. To have such clarity you must lead a disciplined life. Only then will you know that any path is only a path, and there is no affront, to oneself or to others, in dropping it if that is what your heart tells you to do. But your decision to keep on the path or to leave it must be free of fear or ambition.
I warn you. Look at every path closely and deliberately. Try it as many times as you think necessary. Then ask yourself, and yourself alone, one question. This question is one that only a very old man asks.
My benefactor told me about it once when I was young, and my blood was too vigorous for me to understand it. Now I do understand it. I will tell you what it is: Does this path have a heart?
~ Carlos Castaneda


So, does this path has a heart ?

Unfortunately, I know the answer. No this path has not a heart. I tried to make artificial heart to keep that body alive and able to walk , but those heart don’t endure. And when those artificial hearts’ stop beating we can hear the silent heart. Its depressing that silence, and I struggle to walk on every second on that heart-less path. That path is like a closed freeway but free is not how it feels. Have you ever been in just a closed road by mistake and do you remember the anxiety to find the first exit and get out ? If yes, you know what I mean.
What makes me angry is that there where some exit that I’ve failed to see and the more you walk on that path , the hardest is to get out. There were time that I was just a step away from the exit but because of some reason, I didn’t step out. Nowadays, this path is as heart-less as it can be and it looks impossible that there is any exit .

But I just realized that this path has a heart-path the one that will lead me to a path with heart. Don’t ask me how it is that path with heart, my mind doesn’t know. What I can say now is that in that path without heart there is a heart trying to go out in her own path.

umm, does this path has a heart ?????
Now I'm confused....
;)

.
.

*******************************************

no point

I reserved my time to see you
The appointment was fixed for today.
There was no reservation from your part.
You said : Goodnight, nice to see you
I didn’t say : Disappointment
But it was.

...All rights reserved


.................................................................

monday's girls

While we try
to untie our Gordian knots
we bond
creating a strong rope
to climb to the sky
against the gravity
and the chain ball
tied on our legs.

-Its heavy , can you hold it?
-Yes, I can.



To the Monday's girls
love you


.
.
......................................

traces

Yup . I did it !!!

After a long time I open again my drawing block. The reason I closed it , many months ago , was because of lack of inspiration. Hmm, not sure if that is true though, cuz lately I feel that I avoid to draw . Like I fear to see those thoughts and feelings on the paper.

Some days ago, a friend of mine was talking about her diaries when she was younger. She was writing almost every day. And then I remembered that I never did that. I was given , as a gift, many little books with lockers but never used them. It was like I didn’t want to leave traces.

I remember that there was a story, in one of the girls magazine I used to buy as a child, where a girl could read the thought of other people. She was living with her step mother and her children. Those people didn’t love that little girl and make a lot of bad thoughts and the girl could hear them. It was a sad story. Don’t recall what happened to her, perhaps she found someone to love her and they lived happily ever after but I’m pretty sure that that was the reason I never kept a diary and tried to hide my thoughts, even from myself. No traces !!!

Funny isn’t it to read that the owner of this blog, many years ago, she didn’t want to write even in the diary books with the locker.

This blog, my drawing is my way to delve to the underworld and that is not easy . it needs to have the guts to do that “hypervasis” as we say in our language. I can’t find an English work that explain it , or I’m not aware of any, but is a kind of going beyond your what-you-think limits, power, possibilities.

So today, I did my self hypervasis, even if that means just to start drawing again. Hmm, on second thought, looking back at the no-traces period, actually it’s a Hypervasis.

Yup . I did it !!!


.....................................................................

forty

Heavens Gate Originally uploaded by h.koppdelaney

.
.
.
.
.

go there,

where you have to be.

.

here

everything will be all right

.

here

the vigil lamp is burning

i lighted it for you

i made it for you

and

for me.

.

here

the flame says a prayer

for your soul

and warms

mine.

.

here

the flame says thank you

for been here

says

thank you

for your warmth and light.

.

here

people see

in that-girl's face

warmth and light.

I wish you were

here

to see it

but

go there

where you have to be

don't worry

that flame

burning in the vigil lamp

says,

everything will be all right

.

here

and

there.

.

.

.

............................................................................